Do you dread the holiday season because of the inevitable conflicts that arise when you get together with certain family members/friends? Are their chronic conflicts that never seem to get resolved?

Take Action this year!

Make a Change! Follow these...

1. ANTICIPATE:

Anticipate the kinds of conflicts you expect will arise when you get together with your family and friends over the holidays. Think about how you can handle them beforehand so that you are better prepared in the heat of emotional interchanges. Be creative; think of a different approach to solving those chronic problems. Practice what you might say (in reaction to what the other may say or do); use the PREVENTIVE I-MESSAGE =eg. 'It is important to me to have some alone time during the day' or 'I want to leave at _______o'clock so that I will have time to__________.' The Preventive I-Message states your needs/feelings ahead of time so that the other knows and, hopefully, will cooperate with your requests.

2. ATTITUDE:

Embrace an attitude of acceptance and unconditional love during the holidays. Put aside any residual negative feelings for this short period of time; appreciate the positives; enjoy your time of connectedness and caring; lighten up and see the humorous side of things; be flexible. Have the intention of constructive conflict resolution that leads to greater intimacy and mutual respect. ARGUE against your negative self-talk: your internal negative judgments about others and about yourself. STOP negative self talk; change to positive self talk or to affirmations.(see #7)

3. ACCEPTANCE:

Accept differences of opinion (don't get hung up on Being Right!); value and respect different traditions and rituals; accept what you cannot change; consider forgiveness.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE: Give genuine compliments: use the POSITIVE I-MESSAGE='I felt________ when you_(describe their behavior) ' (eg. 'I felt proud when you helped cook the meal,' or 'I really appreciate it when you take the time to listen to my concerns.') Ken Blanchard (of THE ONE MINUTE MANAGER) recommends:'catch someone 'being good' and tell them!' How often do you do that? The ratio of compliments to criticism needs to be 4 to 1 - is that the ratio you act upon? Listen and empathize so that people feel heard. And, remember, give people the gifts/acknowledgments that THEY want, not what YOU want. It is also important to Acknowledge yourself for all your positive acts.

5. APPRECIATE:

Appreciate the time you have together with your loved ones; they will not always be with you! And, how often do you tell them what you appreciate about them? Practice Gratitude.....Ask yourself each day: 'What am I grateful for?'

6. ASK: Ask for what you want!

People are not mind-readers...and they usually DO want to please you. Jack Canfield, in his book, THE ALADDIN FACTOR, says that NOT asking for what we want is one of the biggest problems we face in getting our needs met.

7. AFFIRM:

Affirm with Affirmations! Affirmations are strong, positive statements about yourself said as if already true (eg. 'I am enjoying a conflict-free Thanksgiving with my family; 'I am happy that I am eating healthily.') The theory behind using affirmations is that the gap that is created by making the statement draws us to close it and thus we become our affirmation. State your affirmations many times a day over a two-week (or more) period for their power to be realized.

8. ASSERT:

Get your needs met while respecting the rights of others (and respecting your rights); take responsibility for your needs and behaviors. Establish your Boundaries; Set your Standards; Learn Assertiveness Skills, especially DISCLOSING I-MESSAGES ('I feel________'), RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES ('No, I do not want to___________ because_______), and CONFRONTIVE I-MESSAGES ('I feel_______when you__________because___________'). After you send a confrontive I-message be sure to 'shift gears' and active listen

9. ACTIVE LISTEN:

When you listen to someone in a conflict situation their 'emotional temperature' immediately goes down so that they can begin to hear you. Real Listening is the key to resolving conflicts! Active listening involves mirroring/reflecting back to the other what you think you heard them say....they either confirm or clarify your response.

10. AFFILIATE/ASSOCIATE:

Connect with people during the holidays: connect with your family and friends; re-connect with old friends; connect with your community; connect with people in need. Affiliations are the most powerful need of the human race - Edward Hallowell, in his new book, CONNECT, states 'connection is an essential vitamin; you can't live without it.'

*ACT now! Put these A+ Actions for Preventing Holiday Conflicts into Action....and enjoy your holiday season! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Upcoming, free TELECLASSES: 'Happy Holidays-Preventing, Reducing, or finally Eliminating Holiday Conflicts' - Wednesday, November 29, 2000 @ 9pm or Monday, December 11, 2000 @ 9pm.. Register at my website = www.ingearcoaching.com or at www.teleclass.com